RIOTS BREAK OUT AS SUPPORTERS OF MACDONALDS AND BURGER KING GROW EDGY

The third riot this week broke out between the two increasingly militant factions of the fast-food industry, Macdonald's and Burger King, at four o'clock PM today, culminating in four deaths caused by the crushing effect of the swarming masses. The bodies were recovered immediately after the incident, trampled beyond recognition. The police have put up flyers calling for the identification of the bodies, two of which are obese and one of which is believed to be female.

The incident carried the same fuzzy logic as the previous two riots - that "[the other restaurant] is conspiring to kill all those who eat at [this restuarant]" - which seems to have stemmed from the spontaneous allergic reactions caused by the consumption of "the enemy's" burgers which has been put down to the recent text message hoax that pertained to the aforementioned conspiracy. Psychologists are at a loss to explain this phenomenon, which as yet can only be attributed to "extreme stupidity" on the sufferer's part.

"Oh, it's no doubt this is a hoax," says Rob Snow, professor of psychology at Oxford University. "After all, the human mind is capable of inflicting wounds upon the body through powerful effort of will. From there, it seems quite likely that if someone really expected to be poisoned if they dined at their second-favourite slop parlour, the body would respond allergenically, especially since the first incident appeared cemented their paranoia and gave them a precedent. I just don't know why they would eat there had they feared poisonings."

The restaurants have of course denied all accusations.

Evolutionary psychology has long pertained to a possiblity of reaching a "critical mass" of stupidity, where idiots would spontaneously attack each other in evolution's attempt to cleanse the race. The law that was passed in response to the first, bloody riot earlier this week which limits idiots' access to weapons was since withdrawn again 6:42 o'clock this evening, with the comments "we might as well leave them to it".

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